The Study Of Friendship and The Rules To Maintain It
Robin Testo
Western Connecticut State University
Abstract:
The research examined was how much commitment is shown in the relationships of the characters on the TV show, Friends were followed, and broken. This paper examines the different aspects of defining the stages of friendship, types of friendships, discovering, committing, and maintaining a friendship as described in the rules of friendship. My findings in this study were that even on television shows the rules of friendship are very important. Friendship is very important in everyday life, and the rules of very can be very helpful with maintaining a good, and healthy relationship. Results showed that the characters on Friends had broken and followed the rules of friendship numerous times.
Methodology:
Ten randomly chosen episodes of the TV Show Friends were examined in terms of the Rules of Friendship, as identified in Devito's book The Interpersonal Communication Book. The rules were applied to the characters lives and behavior. A data gallery was constructed listing all six characters depicted in the show: Rachel, Ross, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler, Monica, and lists the behaviors that support the rules, and the behaviors that attack the rules. Each program was viewed and each character was studied, and then marked in the table. The marking consists of a 1 for every time a character abides by the rules, and a -1 for every time a character attacks the rules. After the data were gathered the averages of the characters were examined in terms of how many times the rules were broken, and how many times they were followed.
Introduction:
The theoretical basis of the rules of friendship comes from Devito's discussion of interpersonal relationships between people and the different ways to achieve and maintain it. One of the main discussions in his work was Argyle and Henderson's (1984) rules of friendship. They say that friendship is based on a set of rules that are to be followed by each friend in the relationship (Devito, Joseph 1992, p. 367). When these rules are followed the friendship should remain strong and satisfying, and when they are broken the friendship may suffer and die (Devito, p.367). The ideas of the friendship rules, serve an important function: they can help people learn the social skills involved in developing a friendship and also help maintain it.
Research Question:
As growing up in today's society as a child, an adolescent, and into adulthood people have come to understand the importance of friendship being valued in everyday life. To help understand what maintains a friendship I have based my paper on friendship, and the friendship rules that hold it together by studying the characters on the TV show "Friends." My research question is there an average of how the characters depicted in the TV show Friends follow and break the rules of friendship?
Defining Friendship:
Friendship can be defined as an interpersonal relationship between two people that is mutually productive and characterized by mutual positive regard (Devito, p.
363). Friendship can be defined as an interpersonal relationship because an interaction of communication must have taken place between two people. To form a healthy and long-lasting relationship, a person must be productive in a friendship relationship, and they cannot be causing harm to themselves or the other person involved in the relationship. "Once destructiveness enters into a relationship, it can no longer be characterized as a friendship." (Devito, p. 363) This is not only in friendship relationships but this is also seen in marriage relationships, sexual relationships, and parent-to-child relationships.
Since early childhood, friends have helped us in the lifelong process of self-development and maturity (Devito, p. 363). Our friends help us through changes we may face as we go through the different stages in life. Through friends we share our ultimate fears, sorrows, happiness, and goals. People may seem to be frightened to develop friendships because of the ultimate fear of rejection. Friendships develop out of a sense of security when there is no one else around you that could understand the problems that you may be facing. They develop from childhood, through adolescence, and into adulthood. Friends from our childhood can help heal certain wounds and memories of the past. Also, friends help people to attain new roles in our lives that a person may not of found or developed yet on their own. There are also obstacles that can hold people away from developing friendships such as the way a person lives their life and the environment in which they work. (Devito, p. 363)
"With friends our attention becomes focused, distractions lessen, awareness of time disappears: We emerge into a world in which intimacy and joy shared by others is the fundamental reality, and for a time the world becomes a different place." (Fehr, Beverly. 1996, p. 124)
Definitions of Friendship:
Friendship can also be defined in many other different ways. Here are a few definitions of friendship defined by different social scientists. Friends are people who spontaneously seek the company of one another; furthermore, they seek proximity in the absence of strong social pressures to do so (Hartup, 1975, p. 11).
Friendship: voluntary interdependence between two persons over time, that is intended to facilitate social- emotional goals of the participants, and may involve varying types and degrees of companionship, intimacy, affection, and mutual assistance (Hays, 1988, p.395). A friend is someone who likes and wishes to do well for someone else and who believes that the other party reciprocates these feelings with good intentions (Reisman, 1979, pp. 93-94). "Friendship is defined as a relationship involving voluntary or unconstrained interaction in which the participants respond to one another personally, that is, as unique individuals rather than as packages of discrete attributes or mere role occupants" (Wright, 1984, p. 119). Friendship is an intimate, personal, caring relationship with attributes such as reciprocal tenderness and warmth of feeling; reciprocal desire to keep the friendship; honesty and sincerity; trust; intimacy and openness of self; loyalty; and durability of the relationship over time (Donelson& Gullahorn, 1977, p. 156).
These definitions can be categorized into personal relationships, and providing assistance of intimacy. The word authenticity describes Wright's definition of friendship proving that friends should respond with one another as being unique and irreplaceable (Wright p. 119). When conflict arises it shows that friendships involve certain types of tensions, and require different ways of maintenance efforts to be able to preserve the friendship. These definitions concentrate on what friendship actually is, and not so much of what friendships are not. In Reisman's definition, he claims that friends do not assume one will be the superior of another. Furthermore, friends can be blood related or can exist with a person you are with sexually.
Adults:
When growing up from a child to adolescence, and then into adulthood, views on what a friend is may change, and the question of,"How do I maintain this friendship?" arises. When a person develops into their adult years the idea of loyalty and intimacy are of high importance (Argyle, p. 78). In a test done by Argyle a range of both students and alumni at a designated college were all asked, "What do you value in your friendship?" (Argyle, p. 78). 33-percent said commitment, trust, and dependability were all factors. Openness, acceptance, and similarity were the next most frequent (Argyle, p. 78). Throughout the adult years, many friendships are dependent on if there is a love interest involved (Rubin, p. 114). Once there is a love interest among friends there should be an understanding and acceptance that their friend's love interest is more important at that time than the friendship itself (Rubin, p. 114).
Friends should understand what is going on around them. The day will come for them when they get involved in a love relationship. This is the time in person's life when the friend is the one who takes second place to the lover. "Friendship, while not unimportant, remains at the periphery of attention rather than at its center," (Rubin, p. 114). In adult friendships, the main concern with a person is that they are trying to find the "one", so that they can marry and start a family.(Hartup, p. 34) Once a family is started, their attention is focused on making a living to have money for the family, and to raise the children properly (Rubin, p. 114). The main concerns in adult relationships are the same feelings and attitudes found in previous friendships. But when the subject of love enters in, it is of a larger importance than in the child and adolescence years.
Types of Friendship
DeVito discusses the rules of friendship and the ways to maintain it. Before these rules can be applied to a friendship relationship there are different types of friendships to be identified.
Cross-Sex Friendships:
Women:
From early childhood a girl learns that it is her job to take care of relationships. As the years go by playing with her dolls, siblings, and babysitting, she begins to learn how to notice that other people have needs. She begins to discover feelings and wants to help them with their problems (Lepp, p. 73). Girls tend to feel the strongest when they are being leaned on in a relationship (Lepp, p. 73). In woman to woman relationships, the benefit of having someone to talk to is the backbone to maintaining a close relationship (Argyle, p. 118). "Communication, in all its forms and functions, seems much a much more important dimension of women's friendships." (Devito, p. 371)
A related subject in this area of friendship is that talk with friends is valued because friends will listen to you in a noncritical way (Rubin, p. 121). The nurturing aspect of a woman is brought through the relationship (which she learned, hopefully, from her mother). Growing up with the close intimacy and nurturing of a mother helps us mold the compassion that is set forth in a female's life (Pogrebin, p. 282). Women can be defined in relationships as being the most caring. If this is not achieved in a friendship the woman feels unsatisfied. Henceforth, the relationship is not being maintained well. Their senses of nurturing follow most of the rules of friendship just by being there and talking with their friends, which helps maintain a strong relationship (Argyle, P. 120).
"Women honor friendship and love their friends; two women can be seen as open, honest, warm, and helpful to each other as the best blood or love relations; most women are far more empathetic and emotionally intimate with their casual friends, and that is what makes them close friends." (Pogrebin, p. 280)
Men:
In childhood girls talk to their girlfriends about school, clothes, and their wishes and needs. Boys on the other hand talk about sports, motors, and locations (Fehr, Beverley 1996, p. 199). "Spoken affection between men is almost as hard to come by as the physical kind," (Argyle, p. 122). Men have a tendency to avoid a high degree of intimacy with each other, but do however acknowledge intimacy and friendship in the form of joking and laughter.
Women talk about themselves, their feelings, doubts, fears, love relationships, families, homes, and problems. Men talk about competition and aggression, and things they have seen or heard. They discuss work, sports, politics, social issues, money, business, cars, weather, and traffic (Monsour, p. 147) "Men's friendships are often built around shared activities attending a ball game, playing cards, working on a project at the office." (Devito, p. 371)
Men engage in conversation by storytelling in a very dramatic and exaggerated manner. Men achieve closeness through this form of dramatic storytelling by sharing them with others, and laughing about them amongst each other (Monsour, p. 144). "The one thing men do not trade with their buddies is the truth about them," (Rubin, p. 244). Another reason men resist comforting their male friends is simply because they are too accustomed to competing with them (Monsour, p. 145). Telling the truth would mean admitting some loss, and no man can afford to reveal his losses to the competitor (another man). By late adolescence the male emotions are well defended. The man can allow another man to call a man a fat ass, and not be offended. "If a slightly overweight friend is hurting, he takes it "like a man"; he suffers in silence (Fehr, p. 187). Men are more likely to not follow the rules of friendship because of the competitor status that they have to withhold in their relationships. A man does not tell another man when he is confused or frightened about a situation, which is breaking the first rule of friendship. But if close friends do not talk about their problems, and keeps silent there is no way of maintaining a healthy relationship.
Cross-Sex Relationships:
When women rate their same-sex friendships it is generally higher in quality, intimacy, enjoyment, and nurturance, then do men. Men, rate their friendships higher in quality, enjoyment, and nurturance than do women. (Devito, 371) The ways men and women maintain their friendships are very different because of the intimacy factor with the same-sex friendships. Similar to life stages before and after adulthood, cross-sex friendships in young and middle adulthood provide participants with a number of generic benefits that are also available in same-sex friendships. Cross-sex friendships can be a benefit because it provides people with the same kind of enjoyment normally associated with same-sex friendships. (Hartup, p. 67) Cross-sex friendships can meet the need for everyday companionship. (Hays, p. 422) When the subject of companionship is brought up in the relationship the question of "Can men and women be friends without having any sexual attraction or love?" Man and woman can feel that their relationship is "pure" until they believe there is more, and take their relationship to the next level of intimacy. (Rubin, p. 216) The observation is that when romantic feelings for someone are usually accompanied by sexual attraction, almost immediately. (Fehr, 178) "The emotional bond between a heterosexual woman and man can range from mild feelings of affection to friendship passionate feelings of love." (Pogrebin, p. 367) When the emotional bond, and sexual feelings enter the relationship they should be discussed together. By discussing the feelings within your friendship, and following the rules of friendship, it will help maintain the strong bond to hold
the relationship together.
Results:
The results were as follows:
| Episode 1 | Rule | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | AVERAGE | |
| Ross | 2 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 3.67 | ||
| Rachel | 3 | 3 | 2 | 2 | 3 | 3 | 2.67 | ||
| Monica | 2 | 3 | 2 | 1 | 3 | 4 | 2.5 | ||
| Joey | 5 | 5 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 5 | 4.5 | ||
| Chandler | 1 | 2 | 1 | 1 | 2 | 1 | 1.3 | ||
| Phoebe | 4 | 4 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3.5 | ||
| Episode 1 | |||||||||
| Ross | -2 | -3 | -2 | -4 | -4 | -3 | |||
| Rachel | -3 | -4 | -3 | -4 | -4 | -3.6 | |||
| Monica | -2 | -2 | -4 | -3 | -2 | -2.6 | |||
| Joey | -1 | -1 | -2 | -1 | -2 | -1.2 | |||
| Chandler | -5 | -5 | -5 | -4 | -5 | -4.8 | |||
| Phoebe | -4 | -3 | -4 | -4 | -3 | -3.6 | |||
| Episode 2 | Rule | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | AVERAGE | |
| Ross | 4 | 3 | 4 | 4 | 3 | 3.6 | |||
| Rachel | 2 | 3 | 2 | 3 | 3 | 2.6 | |||
| Monica | 3 | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 2.6 | |||
| Joey | 5 | 4 | 5 | 4 | 5 | 4.6 | |||
| Chandler | 1 | 1 | 1 | 2 | 3 | 1.6 | |||
| Phoebe | 3 | 4 | 3 | 4 | 4 | 3.6 | |||
| Episode 2 | Ross | -3 | -2 | -2 | -3 | -3 | -2.6 | ||
| Rachel | -3 | -4 | -5 | -4 | -3 | -3.8 | |||
| Monica | -3 | -2 | -2 | -3 | -4 | -2.8 | |||
| Joey | -1 | -2 | -1 | -2 | -2 | -1.6 | |||
| Chandler | -5 | -5 | -4 | -5 | -1 | -4 | |||
| Phoebe | -2 | -1 | -1 | -2 | -2 | -1.6 | |||
| Episode 3 | Rule | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | AVERAGE | |
| Ross | 4 | 4 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 3.6 | |||
| Rachel | 3 | 3 | 3 | 1 | 3 | 2.6 | |||
| Monica | 3 | 2 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 2.8 | |||
| Joey | 5 | 4 | 2 | 4 | 5 | 4 | |||
| Chandler | 2 | 2 | 1 | 2 | 1 | 1.6 | |||
| Phoebe | 4 | 5 | 4 | 4 | 5 | 4.4 | |||
| Episode 3 | Ross | -3 | -3 | -3 | -2 | -3 | -2.8 | ||
| Rachel | -4 | -4 | -3 | -4 | -2 | -3.4 | |||
| Monica | -3 | -4 | -3 | -4 | -3 | -3.4 | |||
| Joey | -1 | -2 | -2 | -1 | -1 | -1.4 | |||
| Chandler | -5 | -4 | -3 | -4 | -5 | -4.2 | |||
| Phoebe | -2 | -2 | -1 | -2 | -1 | -1.6 | |||
| Episode 4 | Rule | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | AVERAGE | |
| Ross | 3 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 4 | 3.4 | |||
| Rachel | 3 | 4 | 2 | 2 | 5 | 3.2 | |||
| Monica | 5 | 3 | 2 | 3 | 2 | 3 | |||
| Joey | 4 | 3 | 2 | 5 | 4 | 3.6 | |||
| Chandler | 2 | 1 | 1 | 3 | 1 | 1.6 | |||
| Phoebe | 3 | 4 | 5 | 2 | 4 | 3.6 | |||
| Episode 4 | Ross | -3 | -2 | -2 | -3 | -4 | -2.8 | ||
| Rachel | -3 | -3 | -2 | -2 | -4 | -2.8 | |||
| Monica | -4 | -4 | -3 | -2 | -4 | -3.4 | |||
| Joey | -2 | -2 | -2 | -1 | -1 | -1.6 | |||
| Chandler | -3 | -4 | -4 | -5 | -4 | -4 | |||
| Phoebe | -3 | -3 | -2 | -1 | -2 | -2.2 | |||
| Episode 5 | Rule | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | AVERAGE | |
| Ross | 3 | 4 | 4 | 3 | 4 | 3.6 | |||
| Rachel | 2 | 2 | 4 | 3 | 2 | 2.6 | |||
| Monica | 2 | 1 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 2.6 | |||
| Joey | 4 | 5 | 5 | 4 | 5 | 4.6 | |||
| Chandler | 2 | 2 | 1 | 2 | 1 | 1.6 | |||
| Phoebe | 3 | 3 | 5 | 3 | 4 | 3.6 | |||
| Episode 5 | Ross | -3 | -4 | -2 | -2 | -2 | -2.6 | ||
| Rachel | -4 | -3 | -3 | -4 | -3 | -3.4 | |||
| Monica | -2 | -3 | -4 | -2 | -3 | -2.8 | |||
| Joey | -2 | -2 | -1 | -1 | -1 | -1.4 | |||
| Chandler | -4 | -3 | -5 | -2 | -5 | -3.8 | |||
| Phoebe | -2 | -1 | -1 | -2 | -3 | -1.8 | |||
| Episode 6 | Rule | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | AVERAGE | |
| Ross | 4 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 4 | 4 | |||
| Rachel | 4 | 1 | 3 | 3 | 2 | 2.6 | |||
| Monica | 2 | 4 | 4 | 3 | 1 | 2.8 | |||
| Joey | 3 | 4 | 4 | 5 | 4 | 4 | |||
| Chandler | 3 | 1 | 2 | 1 | 1 | 1.6 | |||
| Phoebe | 3 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 4 | 3.4 | |||
| Episode 6 | Ross | -2 | -2 | -3 | -2 | -4 | -2.6 | ||
| Rachel | -4 | -3 | -4 | -3 | -3 | -3.4 | |||
| Monica | -2 | -2 | -2 | -3 | -4 | -2.6 | |||
| Joey | -2 | -2 | -1 | -1 | -1 | -1.4 | |||
| Chandler | -4 | -4 | -3 | -2 | -5 | -3.6 | |||
| Phoebe | -3 | -2 | -3 | -3 | -1 | -2.4 | |||
| Episode 7 | Rule | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | AVERAGE | |
| Ross | 3 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2.2 | |||
| Rachel | 3 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3.2 | |||
| Monica | 2 | 4 | 3 | 2 | 4 | 3 | |||
| Joey | 4 | 3 | 5 | 4 | 4 | 4 | |||
| Chandler | 2 | 2 | 1 | 2 | 2 | 1.8 | |||
| Phoebe | 3 | 4 | 3 | 4 | 4 | 3.6 | |||
| Episode 7 | Ross | -2 | -2 | -3 | -2 | -4 | -2.6 | ||
| Rachel | -3 | -3 | -2 | -5 | -4 | -3.4 | |||
| Monica | -2 | -3 | -3 | -3 | -4 | -3 | |||
| Joey | -1 | -2 | -1 | -3 | -1 | -1.6 | |||
| Chandler | -3 | -4 | -4 | -2 | -5 | -3.6 | |||
| Phoebe | -3 | -2 | -3 | -1 | -3 | -2.4 | |||
| Episode 8 | Rule | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | AVERAGE | |
| Ross | 4 | 3 | 4 | 2 | 4 | 3.4 | |||
| Rachel | 4 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 2 | 3.2 | |||
| Monica | 2 | 2 | 4 | 4 | 3 | 3 | |||
| Joey | 4 | 4 | 3 | 4 | 4 | 3.8 | |||
| Chandler | 3 | 3 | 2 | 2 | 1 | 2.2 | |||
| Phoebe | 3 | 4 | 5 | 4 | 3 | 3.8 | |||
| Episode 8 | Ross | -2 | -3 | -2 | -3 | -3 | -2.6 | ||
| Rachel | -3 | -3 | -4 | -5 | -3 | -3.6 | |||
| Monica | -3 | -3 | -3 | -2 | -3 | -2.8 | |||
| Joey | -2 | -2 | -3 | -1 | -1 | -1.8 | |||
| Chandler | -4 | -4 | -4 | -3 | -5 | -4 | |||
| Phoebe | -3 | -1 | -1 | -3 | -2 | -2 | |||
| Episode 9 | Rule | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | AVERAGE | |
| Ross | 3 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 3 | 3.6 | |||
| Rachel | 3 | 2 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 2.8 | |||
| Monica | 4 | 2 | 2 | 3 | 3 | 2.8 | |||
| Joey | 4 | 3 | 2 | 5 | 5 | 3.8 | |||
| Chandler | 2 | 1 | 2 | 1 | 1 | 1.4 | |||
| Phoebe | 3 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 3.4 | |||
| Episode 9 | Ross | -3 | -3 | -3 | -2 | -3 | -2.8 | ||
| Rachel | -4 | -5 | -4 | -3 | -4 | -4 | |||
| Monica | -2 | -3 | -2 | -1 | -5 | -2.6 | |||
| Joey | -3 | -1 | -1 | -1 | -1 | -1.4 | |||
| Chandler | -3 | -5 | -5 | -2 | -5 | -4 | |||
| Phoebe | -3 | -1 | -1 | -3 | -3 | -2.2 | |||
| Episode 10 | Rule | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | AVERAGE | |
| Ross | 3 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 4 | 3.4 | |||
| Rachel | 2 | 3 | 4 | 2 | 3 | 2.8 | |||
| Monica | 3 | 4 | 4 | 2 | 2 | 3 | |||
| Joey | 3 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 5 | 4 | |||
| Chandler | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | |||
| Phoebe | 3 | 4 | 3 | 4 | 4 | 3.6 | |||
| Epsiode10 | Ross | -2 | -2 | -3 | -4 | -2 | -2.6 | ||
| Rachel | -3 | -4 | -4 | -2 | -4 | -3.4 | |||
| Monica | -2 | -3 | -3 | -3 | -3 | -2.8 | |||
| Joey | -2 | -2 | -2 | -1 | -1 | -1.6 | |||
| Chandler | -3 | -5 | -3 | -4 | -5 | -4 | |||
In the results of my study I found these averages among the characters on the TV show Friends.
Average Followed:
Phoebe: 40% Ross: 40%
Monica: 30% Joey: 50%
Rachel: 30% Chandler: 20%
Average Broke:
Phoebe: 20% Ross: 30%
Rachel: 40% Joey: 10%
Monica: 30% Chandler: 50%
As you can see in these results the character Chandler is the main culprit for breaking the rules the most on the TV show, and Rachel is the culprit for the women. The results for the characters following the rules was Joey for the men, and Phoebe for the women.
Conclusion:
Doing the test with the TV show Friends showed that even on television friendship rules are followed and broken just as they are in society. It was surpriseing to find that the one person who followed the rules the most was Joey because the literature review, suggested that women were more nurturing than men. The study goes to show that maintaining a friendship is very important, and should be taken seriously. The rules of friendship help us understand that if people talk with one each other, and help one another; anyone can withhold a friendship for life. The study proved that when a group of friends are put in situations that it is very easy to break rules of friendship without even knowing it. The rules seem very easy to follow but most of the time none of the characters on the TV show could faithfully follow them. The TV show was a good example to use because there were three male and three female who were all different types of people to study. When it would seem like one was faithful to the rules they would turn around the next minute and break one. In conclusion the TV show is a way of proving that friendship relationships are very important, and if the rules of friendship are taken into consideration, and followed, a long lasting friendship can be established.
References:
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