So, my son Jack and I were in a rough spot for a while. It'd been just the two of us for a while because unfortunately, his father had passed away. His cause of death was unknown, but we made our own conclusions when we found him dead, naked, laying next to old Milky White. I'll leave the rest up to your imagination. Eventually we got to the point of selling everything in our house except for the measly cow. Jack was too lazy to even get a job, so we had to resort to selling Milky White. I sent him off one day to get the job done, while I obviously sat in our nothing of a house making myself look as presentable as possible because the way I figured it, you never know when prince charming could come strolling down the road.
So Jack finally comes home after like 45 minutes, and he hands me these beans. Beans? What the hell happened to the money for the cow? This was simply unacceptable so I made him go to bed. I had to get my beauty sleep anyway. The next morning, I woke up to find a freaking huge plant growing next to our house. I went outside to figure out what was going on, when I saw my pesky kid climbing up the stalk! I didn't even try to get him to come down because the kid listens like a rock. I figure kids find out things the hard way anyways sometimes.
About 30 minutes later, Jack comes sliding down the beanstalk with a couple of sacks underneath his arm. Inside were gold coins! I didn't hesitate a second! I took that gold and headed straight to town to finally get back the things we sold from our house. We were finally living a decent life again! Jack's shenanigans of going up and down this strange beanstalk went on for like two weeks. Every time he slid down the beanstalk, he could come back with more treasures! We were living the fine life!
The last time Jack went up, there was a bit of trouble. He comes sliding down the beanstalk as usual, but this time he's sweating profusely! He yells something about a giant chasing him and cutting down the stalk, so I toss him an axe. Casual, I know. I'm sure he mentioned something a time or two about a giant, but unfortunately, I've learned to tune out most of what Jack says. So the beanstalk falls, and right after that, a really, really, really, large man falls too. I assumed this was the giant, and then I fainted. I suffered trauma, and have now learned to block this traumatic story from my precious mind. Telling this to you now is extremely emotionally painful. I hope you're happy.