I am Jack's Magical Tale

My name is Jebediah George Michael, after my father. But my Mother, who hated my father, god rest his soul, also hates the pop singer George Michael, so she just calls me Jack. Anywho, she's always getting on my case about chores and responsibility, blah blah blah. All I want to do is harvest me some.. uh.. magic plants. So the other day, when Mother sent me to the market to sell our cow, I ran into into this guy that said he'd trade me magic beans for our cow! I was pumped! Mother never gives me enough credit for the great decisions that I make. When I got home and showed her, she threw the beans out the window and sent me to bed! That bitch didn't even make me dinner! Anywho, when I woke up, there was a huge beanstalk in the back yard! I thought I was tripping, but then I realized I wasn't, and the beanstalk seemed less cool instantly. Anywho, as any courious youth would do, I began climbing the beanstalk. When I got to the top, I found a castle! I started climbing around, and all the furniture was huge. I stumbled along some gold coins, so I grabbed them up to bring them back to mother, in hopes of making up for the cow thing. Anywho, a Giant came out of nowhere and started chasing me! I headed down the beanstalk and I heard the Giant's Wife yelling at him. Something about him always screwing up and they should just hire an exterminator. Anywho, I gave the coins to mother, and she yelled at me for stealing gold coins. Talk about a lack of appreciation. I figured there may be more, so I climbed back up the beanstalk to the castle. This time I found a hen that lays golden eggs! During my exit with the hen in hand, the Giant smelled me again and chased me again. Once more, the Giant's wife saved me by stopping him. She seems like a cool giant lady. Anywho, I brought the hen to mother, and she told me that a hen isn't worth a cow, and to climb my ass back up that beanstalk and get something better. Sheesh. Like climbing a beanstalk and getting chased by a giant TWICE wasn't enough. I'd like to see her climb a beanstalk. I bet she wouldn't make it halfway. Anywho, I climbed back up and this time I found a singing harp! This was a real moneymaker. I started my stealthy escape, but the singing harp called out to the Giant that it was being kidnapped! He started chasing me again, but this time his wife was nowhere in sight. I busted my ass down that beanstalk as fast as I could, and this time he started climbing down too! When I got to the bottom, my Mother threw an ax at me! I knew she was mad, but I didn't know she was THAT mad! I was terrified, and in my horror I realized that I hadn't eaten dinner last night because Mother sent me to bed. I knew what I had to do. I began eating the beanstalk one bite at a time. Luckily I was really, really hungry, and before I knew it, I had eaten all the way through the beanstalk! The Giant came crashing down to earth, and exploded into a million tiny pieces. Then I harvested what was left of the beanstalk and became a millionaire.

The End.